FAMILIES MATTER
Wasting Time
I recently re-read the children’s classic, “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. If you have not come across this literature, go to the library, get a copy and prepare for a spiritual feast.
The story is couched in the setting of the author having had to land his plane in the Sahara Desert to repair the engine. In the desert, while he is trying to get his engine repaired, fearing that he will run out of water, he encounters a small person that he learns is actually a prince from another planet. The planet is so small that its only inhabitants are the little prince, a rose, and a tree which if allowed to grow will engulf the planet.
The Little Prince not only meets the author, he also meets a fox. And he asks the fox to play with him. “I cannot play with you,” says the fox, “I am not tamed.” “What does that mean, tamed?” asks the Prince.
“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties. To me you are still nothing more than a boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. I have no need of you and you have no need of me. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all of the world.”
“I am beginning to understand,” said the Little Prince. “There is a rose on my planet. I think she has tamed me. She is unique in all the world to me.”
“If you want a friend,” said the Fox, “tame me.”
“What must I do to tame you?”
“First you will sit down at a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me every day.”
So day after day the Little Prince came and moved closer and closer to the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near - “Ah,” said the fox, “I shall cry.”
“It is your own fault,” said the Little Prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm; but you insisted that I tame you.”
“Yes, that is so,” said the fox, “but your taming me has done me good.” Go and look again at the roses and you will understand. Then come back to say goodbye to me and I will make you a present of a secret.”
The Little Prince went away to look again at the roses. “You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you mean nothing to me. No one has tamed you and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend and now he is unique in all the world.”
When he went back to meet the fox, he said, “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: ‘It is the time you have wasted with your rose that makes your rose so important.’ Men have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.”
IT IS THE TIME YOU HAVE WASTED WITH YOUR ROSE THAT MAKES YOUR ROSE UNIQUE IN ALL THE WORLD.
I know that you are busy. Everyone is. But it is eternally important that you “waste some time” with a spouse, a child, a friend. To fail to do so is to have no one who is uniquely important you. Just do it!
FAMILIES MATTER
Listening So My Spouse Will Talk
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about communication. I have particularly focused on communication between couples, but the principles I have used will hold up in communication between employers and employees, between parents and children, or between friends.
When ever good communication takes place, there is a message sent and the same message is received. While it is important that the sender of the message send a message that is clear, it is equally important that the listener listen with only one goal in mind — to understand.
Most of the listening we do has the gathering of facts as the goal. We want to get facts so we can make a judgment about what is said, i.e., is it true? is it worthwhile? do we want to do that? Sometimes we gather facts in order to defend our selves against the sender.
When good communication takes place, the listener listens with their whole being. Their ears are tuned in, certainly, but their eyes are focused, and their whole body says, “I am interested in what you are saying.” Good listening means letting your eyes light up - raising your eyebrows - expressing interest verbally like, “Oh, wow!” “Is that right?” “Are you serious?” “How about that!” People tend to keep talking about a subject that they think someone is interested in.
People who are skilled at listening are concerned with two tasks: 1) They must hear and understand what the speaker is saying, making sure that they are not hearing more than the speaker is saying. 2) They must encourage the speaker to continue to communicate.
The following suggestions for improving listening skills comes from Drs. Genie and Preston Dyer in their book The Language of Married Love. The Dyers teach in the sociology department at Baylor University.
1. Create an environment for listening. Turn off the TV, remove books or news papers from your hands. Minimize the possibility of interference.
2. Give your full attention to your partner. Face your partner, maintain eye contact and touch when appropriate.
3. Refrain from offering advice or criticisms that stops the other’s expression.4. Avoid use of “Why?” Ask “how,” “what,” “where,” or “when” questions. Ask questions to increase understanding but never to fix blame.
4. Ask “how,” “what,” “where,” or “when” questions. Ask questions to increase understanding but never to fix blame.5. Check in with your partner occasionally to see if you are understanding. Use phrases/questions like: “I understand you to be saying…,” “Are you saying…,” or “I am understanding that you think…”
6. Listen for feelings behind the words. Be aware of your partners feelings. Accept those feelings even if you are in disagreement. Failure to be aware of feelings behind the words is often a major hindrance to understanding.
LISTENING—real listening is a wonderful gift to give to a spouse or a child. Nothing affirms another’s worth like taking the time/trouble to listen in order to understand. In my church, tradition we have a service of affirmation called the “Laying on of Hands.” What is needed in our homes is a “laying on of ears.” The next time you want to give a gift to a family member and know that the gift will be appreciated, give the gift of listening.
FAMILIES MATTER
Talking So My Spouse Will Listen
In the early 1970’s a group of academics from the University of Minnesota studied the way couples communicate and they discovered that couples communicate in basically four styles of communication. This study has expanded into the communication seminars called “Couple Communication I and II.” The four styles of communication are:
SMALL TALK is the name given to the first style of communication. This is the style of playful teasing and friendly banter. It is the style you use when you want to keep things light and moving along. These conversations usually revolve around the weather, sports, family events, and other topics of general interest.
The second style of couple communication is called, CONTROL TALK. This is the take charge style - the proactive style where someone takes charge and “gets things done.” When this style is used, the outcome is of utmost importance. You focus on the other person trying to get him or her to do what you believe needs to be done. When you want to direct, advise or persuade, this is the style you use. A lot of selling, directing, supervising, and preaching activity utilize this style.
Control talk makes a lot of use of the second person singular pronoun “you.” And while the style is needed, it can very easily become the style in which fighting takes place. Blaming, accusing, attacking and scolding make use of Style II. Name-calling, belittling, and putting your spouse down occurs in this style.
Monitor your talking. If you find an excessive amount of the pronoun, “you” being used, you may be stuck in a style that can become very destructive to a relationship.
The Minnesota folk identified the third style as SEARCH TALK. This is the style of problem solving. This is the “I don’t know the answer to our problem and you don’t know the answer, but may together we can discover an answer that will work for us.” Search Talk has a tentative quality. You may hear words such as: “Perhaps,” “Maybe,” “I’m wondering” and the like.
Search Talk is useful in reducing tension and pressure. It is nonthreatening and nonjudgmental by nature and gives both parties a chance to be heard. It is, however, difficult if not impossible to move from Style II where you are fighting to Style III where you are calmly trying to resolve issues. One reason for this is when you are in Style II you know the solution, you just need to get your partner to join your team. In Style III you are admitting that you don’t have the answer and that you are willing to search for a suitable solution with your partner.
The fourth style called STRAIGHT TALK can often be used to get a couple from the fighting arena of style two to the negotiating table of style three. Straight talk is where a person speaks for self, describes sensory data, expresses thoughts, discloses feelings, is clear about wants and actions. The use of “I” messages is an important characteristic of style four. “When I see/hear/sense…I think it means…and when I attach that meaning, I feel…I want…I am willing…” is the way one might disclose what is going on inside them without attacking their partner with “you” messages.
No one of these styles is appropriate in all situations. Each style serves a purpose and is appropriate in a specific setting. Flexibility is the key - being able to choose the appropriate style for a given situation. A problem exists when we get stuck in one style and are unable to change to fit the occasion.
Many couples get stuck in styles one and two and they are either fighting or joking around. Issues never seem to get resolved. I have “good news.” You can learn to use all four styles and appropriately match the style that is best suited to the situation.
Join me next week and we will think together about “Listening So Your Spouse Will Talk.”
FAMILIES MATTER
Logivore
I came across a word the other day. I think it must have been made up because I have checked a couple of dictionaries, but failed to find it. In spite of the fact that dictionaries do not dignify the word by inclusion, I like it.
The word is “logivore.” It relates to “carnivore” and “herbivore.” A carnivore is an animal that lives solely on meat. And a herbivore is an animal that lives solely on plants. And a logivore? Well, this is a member of the animal kingdom that cannot “live on bread alone” (Deuteronomy 8:3 and Matthew 4:4), but must have words.
While some others of the animal kingdom communicate their fears or their desire to mate, only people have the need to communicate at the level of ideas and require a vocabulary of words to carry their thoughts.
When we digest and use words, we are putting God’s image on display. God communicates with other celestial beings and with us. And when we communicate with each other, we are displaying God’s image as communicator. When God communicates with us it is called revelation. The Bible is a record of God’s revelatory activity and pronouncements in history. When we communicate with God it is called prayer and worship.
It seems to me that it is impossible for human beings not to communicate with each other. Everything we do as well as say carries a message. When family members come together without verbal or physical greeting, they are communicating powerfully to each other. We cannot “not communicate.” What we can do, is communicate poorly or well. We can communicate skillfully so that what we want to get across is actually conveyed, or we can give messages that carry a meaning we did not intend.
Communication involves not only verbal, but nonverbal skills as well. Tone of voice and volume carry a message as well as the content of the spoken word. Timing is also an important ingredient in good communication. Sometimes, timing makes it impossible to avoid misunderstanding.
There are two tasks in communication: sending a message and receiving a message. Over the next couple of weeks I want to discuss communication as sending and receiving messages. Fortunately, good communication skills can be learned in later life. You don’t have to keep using the same communication patterns that were used in your family of origin.
By the time we are of marrying age we have ingrained some powerful tendencies that often do not serve us well. And so one of the early adjustments that must be made if the marriage is to be a good one, is an adjustment in communication. Dr. David Olson, in a study of more that 500,000 couples says that the most important area that distinguishes between couples who are happy and couples who are unhappy is communication.
If you are interested, come see me next week and I will share some “communication tips” I have picked up over thirty-eight years of studying and teaching communication to couples.
HEALTH REPORT
Yesterday. . .
What is the most beautiful sounding word in the English language? Answer, benign!!!
Yesterday Janell went to have a thyroid needle biopsy. She went to the same doctor I went to a year and a half ago. This time the report came back, “benign.” With a smile on his face, Dr. Snyder said: “I am glad that I can give the Atkinsons some good news for a change.
When we learned that Janell had a couple of nodules on her thyroid, I was really concerned. While medical science isn’t positive of how Medullary Thyroid Cancer is contacted, I was concerned that it
might be spread by kissin
g. Dr. Snyder assured me that he was positive that you could not catch thyroid cancer by kissing. Wheeew!!! Kissing Janell would be difficult addiction to break. I’ve been addicted since 1952.
Yesterday I also received news from my quarterly cancer check up. The count of the protein produced by Medullary cancer cells was up slightly from the count in October (up from 28 to 41). At the time of my surgery in 2006, the count was 3500, so, a count of 41 is not significant. In March we will, however, do a couple of scans to see if we can locate the guilty cells, but as we say in East Texas, “The chances are slim to none and Slim left town yesterday.” We will probably need to have a protein count of several hundred before we can realistically expect to find the culprits.
The perennial enemies of the Israelites, the Syrians, had laid siege to the capitol city of Samaria (2 Kings 7:3-14) when a group of lepers discovered that the Syrian army had gotten spooked in the night and retreated back to Damascus. The siege had been lifted, but the people inside of the city walls did not know it. Here is what the lepers said: “We’re not doing right. This is a day of good news and we are keeping it to ourselves.”
Yesterday was a day of good news and I did not want to keep it to myself.
FAITH ISSUES
Esther Arrives In the Nick of Time
HISTORICAL SETTING: One of two of books named for a woman (Ruth is the other)…One of two books that does not mention God (Song of Songs is the other)…One of two books that deals with persecution of the Hebrew people (Exodus is the other)DATE: Persian period—reign of Ahasuerus (Greeks called him Xerxes) 486-464 b.c.
PURPOSE: To explain the historical origin of Purim (say: poor-im), to justify its celebration since it is not mentioned in the Torah, and to regulate its manner of observance. PRESENT-DAY OBSERVANCE: Purim is celebrated amid a carnival-like atmosphere, with masquerade parties, noise making, and revelry. The story is reenacted in synagogues with the audience hissing Haman and cheering Mordecai and Esther - an Old Testament melodrama..And now the story. . .
King Ahasuerus of Persia, otherwise known as Xerxes by the Greeks, is the only person in the Bible whose name begins with an X. That is about all there is to say about him. He was pompous and not the brightest bunny in the forest. You did not have to be a Rhodes Scholar to manipulate the old king and so from the queen on down everyone did.
King Ahasuerus of Persia, otherwise known as Xerxes by the Greeks, is the only person in the Bible whose name begins with an X. That is about all there is to say about him. He was pompous and not the brightest bunny in the forest. You did not have to be a Rhodes Scholar to manipulate the old king and so from the queen on down everyone did.Well, King X, as he was called, decided to throw a party that would set the bar for measuring all subsequent parties, you know, like, “The party was great. I’d say it was about 45% of the X-bash.” Everybody who was anybody was invited and people who were nobody in particular were invited also. It wasn’t much of a boost to your status to receive an invitation, but it was a social disaster to be left off the list.
The sky was the limit on expenses. It was to last for seven days, and the palace was turned upside down getting ready for it. New curtains were hung in all the windows, silver couches were moved in by the cartload, and drinks were served in hand-carved goblets of pure gold.
Vashti, the king’s wife and queen decided that she would throw a party too. The boys arn’t be the only ones who can have fun. One week into the party, the king was so full of sause he could have been buried without embalming fluid. And the old blow-hard, without giving it much thought, decided to give the boys a look at his queen. She was, after all, quite a looker. The boys would be certain to envy him when they ogled the queen as she paraded by. He sent word for her come on down and to “hop to it.”
Well, she turned the King down flat!
Needless to say, King X was not a happy camper. Not only had he been shown up as not being the head of his castle, but if Vashti were allowed to get away with this kind of insubordination, it could reek havoc in the homes and in social order across the kingdom. Who knows what the women would want next — they might even want to drive their own chariots.
King X divorced Vashti on the spot. And as Frederick Buechner said: “That is how Queen Vashti lost her throne but kept her self-respect, and there seems to be absolutely no question as to which of the two she valued more highly” (”Peculiar Treasures,” 1979, Harper: San Francisco).
The advisors to the King suggested that a beauty pageant be authorized to find the most beautiful woman in the kingdom to fill the vacated queen-square. They decided to call it the “Miss Persia Pageant,” and that is how it all got started, the “Miss THIS Pageant” and the “Miss THAT Pageant.” The winner of the Miss Persia Pageant got to wear a real crown—she would be Queen Number Two. Well, the crown was placed on the head of a beautiful Jewish girl named Esther, only no one knew that she was Jewish and her older cousin, Mordecai, who had raised her, suggested she not make a big deal of her ethnic origin—after all their family had been Persian citizens for three generations.
Cousin Mordecai hung out at King’s gate a lot, hoping to get a glimpse of his cousin, now become famous—you know, kind of like a groupie. Well, one day, he heard of a plot on the King’s life. He got word to Esther, who reported it to the King and an assassination was deferred about ten years until there came along a couple of servants more adapt at keeping a secret. Mordecai was hoping for a reward—a bureaucratic, do-nothing, palace job, but nothing developed.
Enter the villain Haman (boo - hiss). Haman was King X’s right hand man with a huge hatred for Jews. His anti-Semitism would get fanned into flame when Mordecai would be the only one who refused to grovel in the dust when Haman came strutting by. He told his boss, the King, that there were people scattered through out the kingdom who did not respect the laws of the land, they obeyed only their own laws and that it was obvious that they didn’t care much for the King or his kingdom.
Remember, I said before, King X’s attick light was a little dim? Well Haman convinced the King that the Jews needed to be exterminated and gave the King 10,000 talents of silver for the concession of selling “Jew Hunting Licenses.” Jew season was to last one day - the 13th of Adar. On the 13th, it was open season—kill all the Jews you want.
As soon as Mordecai got wind of what Haman was up to, he sent word to his cousin/daughter: “You must plead the cause of your people before your husband, the king.” BIG PROBLEM: Anyone who goes into the presence of the king without being summoned would be subject to death unless the king agrees to give them an audience. The reply was four words: “No way!” and “SORRY DAD!”
Mordecai was not to be denied. He put some heavy words on Esther: (EST 4:14) “. . . if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” Her reply is the reason all little Jewish girls want to be Esthers: “Start praying for me and I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.”
King X had a rather short fuse, but Esther knew how to handle him. Armed with her best perfume and a rather revealing outfit that inspired the Victoria’s Secrets clothing chain, she interrupted the king and his favorite #1 guy, Haman. The king took one look and said: “hmmm.” She was saved for the moment. Then the king ask, “What is it my dear? We are, after all, busy men.” And she said with batting eyes, “I just wanted to invite you and mister Haman to dinner and then I will ask you for a great big favor.” Well, it was a date!
Mean while, back at the Haman house, old Haman was quite pleased with himself—after all, was he not the King’s favorite, #1 guy? And had he not devised a plan that would not only get rid of that stiff-kneed Jew, Mordecai, but also to rid the whole country of the Jews?
And back at the palace, the old king was having trouble sleeping, so he got up, picked up a copy of the Chronicles of the King and began to read. He read about a certain man named Mordecai who was responsible for saving the king’s neck. “Has Mordecai been rewarded for his patriotism?” he asked the next day. “No,” he was told.
When Haman arrived for work the next day, the King ask Haman what should be done for someone whom the King wanted to honor. Haman, of course being on a roll, thought the King was about to honor him. He thought a bit and said: “For the man whom the King delights to honor, let royal robes worn by the King be placed on him and let him be mounted on a horse ridden by the King, and let him be led through the city by a high official of the King crying: “Thus shall it be to done to the man whom the king delights to honor.”
When the king said: “Great idea, Haman! Take my robe—and put it on Mordecai. Mount him on my best horse. And you lead him through the city reading my proclamation, “Thus shall it be to done to the man whom the king delights to honor,” Well, let me just say, “the peacock’s feathers did not just fall, they fell off.” King X did not know it, but he sure enough rained on Haman’s parade.
Well, Haman was no fool. He knew his goose was cooked. It was little surprise that when he turned up for his dinner date with the King and Queen, the evening was a disaster from the start. The Queen was crying her poor little heart out for her people. She then pointed Haman out as the enemy who was behind a ploy to exterminate her people, the Jews. It probably came as a bit more of a surprise that his sentence was to be hanged on the very gallows he had constructed for Mordecai. Has last words before the trap-door was sprung were: “Mordecai will probably be given my job too.” Which, of course, he was, along with Haman’s house and his possessions.
And what of the 13th of Adar and Jew hunting season? Well the King couldn’t hit the delete key on a proclamation he had made, so he leveled the playing field—he gave the Jews permission to hunt their hunters—kind of like arming deer with 30-30’s in November. That year in Susa it was, Jews - 800; Anti-Semites - 0. The next day there was a victory dance. And every year since that time, on the 14th and 15th of Adar the Jews throw a victory party. It is called the Purim Party. And as Paul Harvey says, “Now you know the rest of the story.”
Here is my take:
Esther speaks to us of a God who is hidden and silent, but whose will for justice gets worked out in the stuff of history through very human instrumentation. And is this not the God we experience most of the time?. . .a God who is present in the natural and in the redemptive process in which human beings are His co-partners? Let’s hear it for Esther!
FAMILIES MATTER
This is a Leap Year
This is a Leap Year. It is the year of the Gregorian Calendar when an extra day is added (February 29) to off set the quarter_day difference between a calendar year and the astronomical year. It is called “leap” because in a calendar year, the numerical day advances one day of the week. On Leap Year, the numerical day advances two days, seemingly leaping over one day. March 1, 1007 was on Thursday. This year March 1, will leap over Friday and fall on Saturday.
Tradition has it that this is the year that it is permissible for the woman to ask the man to marry her. My judgement is that ours is a day when women do pretty much as they please without feeling they need to get permission from tradition and certainly not from us men.
Egalitarian is the term used to describe marriages where each is an equal partner in the marriage. Both husband and wife have shared power. I like to refer to this as a Partnership Marriage. Partnership is preferable to me over the term democratic. Democratic implies all members of the family are equal voting members. My feeling is that power needs to rest firmly in the hands of the parents and that power needs to be shared between husband and wife.
In our day our culture no longer defines roles for husbands and wives such as who is the “economic provider” or even who is the principle “economic provider.” Our chosen living standard coupled with our earning power has dictated that most families become two pay check families. Questions of who does what task to make the home function are negotiated. And this negotiation best takes place between two equal partners.
When negotiation takes place from a power_up/power_down position, destructive tendencies result. The partner that is power_up is tempted to try to live “OVER” his/her mate___to dominate, to use, to control, to force. This inevitably leads to contempt. We tend to hold in contempt those we dominate.
The partner that is power_down is tempted to live “UNDER” his/her mate—to manipulate the mate and to belittle the self, to make the mate into an idol. This inevitably leads to resentment. And sometimes that resentment smolders for years getting in the way of sexual fulfillment and emotional growth.
It seems to me that the intent of God in his creation of male and female is that they live “WITH” the other in truth and love. This takes place most likely in a partnership of equals. Genesis 2:18 states, “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’” The word translated “helper” is used elsewhere in Scripture to designate God as Savior: “…hasten to me, O God! Thou art my help and my deliverer…” Psalm 70:5. Woman was created to save man from his aloneness, not to be his slave. She saves him from his aloneness when they live “WITH” the other in coequality, complementarity, and community.
Rabbinic tradition has a beautiful thought here. It goes something like this. God did not take woman from man’s head that she might lord it over him. Neither did He take her from his heel that he might walk on her. He took woman from man’s side that they might walk together___close to his heart that he might love her___under his arm that he might protect her.
Leap year___women getting to do the asking___women and men living “with the other”___a partnership of equals—it’s an idea whose time has come!
FAMILIES MATTER
All Mothers Are Working-Mothers
ALL MOTHERS ARE WORKING-MOTHERS! Some work outside the home and some work inside the home, but all mothers are working mothers. Some mothers work two shifts - one outside the home and then when they get home, the second shift begins. Some mothers who work the equivalent of two shifts are single moms. Some are married to men who mistakenly think that they are the sole financial provider of the family and that they are entitled to the privilege of coming home at the end of the workday and doing nothing that is needed to make the home run smoothly.
In a survey of U. S. work habits: Forty percent said they work more than 40 hours a week. Twenty_one percent said they work more than 50 hours a week. And working mothers were too busy to answer the survey.
For most households with children under 18 years of age (68%) the mothers work outside the home. This is compared to 40% in 1970. Many of these women bear a load of guilt about neglecting their children. I have good news for working moms - inside and outside the home.
In a survey of 1005 children and their mothers, funded by the Michigan-based Whirlpool Foundation, a “report card” was given to the moms by their children. Although balancing work and family is harder than ever, evidence from the survey indicates that children are getting what they need. Children said that their physical and emotional needs were being taken care of in both categories, at-home and away-from-home working moms.
Another finding from the survey was that mothers remain the primary emotional and spiritual care givers whether or not they worked outside the home. With all they do, most of the mothers think they fall short. Seventy percent of those surveyed said they would like to spend more time playing with their children. The children, however, described their mothers as “loving” and “there for them.” Moms continue to provide most of the chauffeuring, most of the help with homework, and most of the teaching of moral and spiritual values. This is true whether a father is present in the home or not.
Dads, while this report reflects wonderfully upon our wives, it does not reflect well on us. But we have better stuff in us than we have shown. Perhaps while this year is still young we could resolve to be more involved in the lives of our children and more engaged in the physical tasks of making our households work. If you would like to get your wife really excited, make the above resolve and tell her over a cup of coffee, early in the morning, before the children arise.
FAMILIES MATTER
All Children Are Home-Schooled
Those who publish curricula for home schooling are doing a booming business. There was a time when those who purchased materials to school their children at home were missionaries who lived in out of the way areas and did not want to send their children to boarding schools. Today, there are many families who choose to home school their children for many reasons: fear for the safety of their child, their child has needs that cannot be met in a classroom setting, disagreement with the curriculum of the public school system, a conviction that the education of children is a task given by God to parents, etc.
But isn’t it true that ALL CHILDREN ARE HOME-SCHOOLED? Virginia Satir, in her book People Making said: “Parents teach in the toughest school in the world__The School for Making People. You are the board of education, the principal, the classroom teacher, and the janitor . . . You are expected to be experts on all subjects pertaining to life and living . . . There are few schools to train you for your job, and there is no general agreement on the curriculum. You have to make it up yourself. Your school has no holidays, no vacations, no unions, no automatic promotions or pay raises. You are on duty or at least on call 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for at least 18 years for each child you have. Besides that, you have to contend with an administration that has two leaders or bosses, whichever the case may be__and you know the traps two bosses can get into with each other. Within this context, you carry on your people_making. I regard this as the hardest, most complicated, anxiety_ridden, sweat and blood producing job in the world” (p. 197).
ALL CHILDREN ARE HOME-SCHOOLED and here in is our problem. We are not all using the same curriculum. There was a time when a majority of the home-schools in a given community were teaching the same basic curriculum. Values of honesty, industry, responsibility, patriotism, and respect for authority were woven into the curriculum, with the lesson being delivered verbally by the home teachers: mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents. And perhaps most powerful of all were the lessons that were acted out with these basic values being the themes.
Evidence continues to mount that children come to our public schools with a set of values firmly in place which they have learned in their “home school”: big people beat up on little people - don’t get caught - if you do get caught don’t admit responsibility - get by with as little effort as possible - learn to beat the system - no one has the right to tell you what to do.
Public schools can be expected to reinforce the curriculum taught in home schools if that curriculum includes the following: honesty, industry, responsibility, patriotism, and respect for authority. It is unrealistic, however, to expect our public schools to eradicate lessons learned in our home schools, especially when these lessons are reinforced over the years by countless repetition.
There is one institution that is designed for reformation - THE CHURCH. The church is designed to put people in touch with the power to create changes in their “home schools.” How long has it been since your family worshiped together? Well, that is too long!
FAMILIES MATTER
To Resolve Or Not To Resolve
“To resolve or not to resolve, that is the question” that many face in January of each year. I confess that I have not made any resolutions this year which is a digression from my usual New Year pattern.
Some avoid making resolutions because they have such a poor track record in keeping their resolves. My lack of resolution this year, however, is not from fear of failure. It is procrastination, pure and simple. I have simply not sat down and done the thinking that would allow me to identify an area or two in my life where change would be beneficial to me and all of those around me.
There is intrinsically something beneficial in being able to conceive of a “better me.” This is true even when there is modest success in efforts at change.
Some people are incapable of imagining that there could be a “better them.” They can, however, readily conceive of the people about them changing for the better and often point out the changes that are needed. There is not much hope for such people since conceiving of a better me is the first step in creating a better me.
Here is an amazing truth about family systems - change in any part of the system forces all parts of the system to change. If one member of the family makes significant changes in his/her life, all of the other members will have to change to accommodate the differences in the changed member.
Here is a strategy. If you detect needed change in your family for 2008, think of changes you could make in yourself. For example, suppose there is a lack of respect among your family members. Children are disrespectful toward parents and parents are verbally abusive toward children. Your resolve for 2008 is to act and speak respectfully toward others in the family. This would involve resolving to avoid sarcasm, putdowns, and name-calling. I think the Bible’s way of putting this is “kindness” - “Be kind and compassionate to one another. . .” (Ephesians 4:32).
Here is your best chance for your desired change to be put in place and have it last through out the year. Formulate your desired change into a resolve. Make the resolve measurable so that you and others can know if you have kept your resolution. Share your resolve with your family and ask them to remind you if you fall back into your old ways. This way, you are building accountability into your desired change.
If two people are dancing and one takes a step forward, the other must take a step backward. If one person refuses to take a step backward (that is, act in the expected manner) then the dance, as it has been, is over. The couple will be forced to learn other steps.
GOOD NEWS - Change is possible! BAD NEWS - Change, real change, is difficult and requires effort and intentionality. The old ways are strong and tenacious.
So, my New Year’s wish? I wish for change that leads to our being better marriage partners, parents, children in 2008 than we were in 2007.