FAMILIES MATTER

Listening So My Spouse Will Talk

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about communication. I have particularly focused on communication between couples, but the principles I have used will hold up in communication between employers and employees, between parents and children, or between friends.

When ever good communication takes place, there is a message sent and the same message is received. While it is important that the sender of the message send a message that is clear, it is equally important that the listener listen with only one goal in mind — to understand.

Most of the listening we do has the gathering of facts as the goal. We want to get facts so we can make a judgment about what is said, i.e., is it true? is it worthwhile? do we want to do that? Sometimes we gather facts in order to defend our selves against the sender.

When good communication takes place, the listener listens with their whole being. Their ears are tuned in, certainly, but their eyes are focused, and their whole body says, “I am interested in what you are saying.” Good listening means letting your eyes light up - raising your eyebrows - expressing interest verbally like, “Oh, wow!” “Is that right?” “Are you serious?” “How about that!” People tend to keep talking about a subject that they think someone is interested in.

People who are skilled at listening are concerned with two tasks: 1) They must hear and understand what the speaker is saying, making sure that they are not hearing more than the speaker is saying. 2) They must encourage the speaker to continue to communicate.

The following suggestions for improving listening skills comes from Drs. Genie and Preston Dyer in their book The Language of Married Love. The Dyers teach in the sociology department at Baylor University.

1. Create an environment for listening. Turn off the TV, remove books or news papers from your hands. Minimize the possibility of interference.

2. Give your full attention to your partner. Face your partner, maintain eye contact and touch when appropriate.

3. Refrain from offering advice or criticisms that stops the other’s expression.4. Avoid use of “Why?” Ask “how,” “what,” “where,” or “when” questions. Ask questions to increase understanding but never to fix blame.

4. Ask “how,” “what,” “where,” or “when” questions. Ask questions to increase understanding but never to fix blame.5. Check in with your partner occasionally to see if you are understanding. Use phrases/questions like: “I understand you to be saying…,” “Are you saying…,” or “I am understanding that you think…”

6. Listen for feelings behind the words. Be aware of your partners feelings. Accept those feelings even if you are in disagreement. Failure to be aware of feelings behind the words is often a major hindrance to understanding.

LISTENING—real listening is a wonderful gift to give to a spouse or a child. Nothing affirms another’s worth like taking the time/trouble to listen in order to understand. In my church, tradition we have a service of affirmation called the “Laying on of Hands.” What is needed in our homes is a “laying on of ears.” The next time you want to give a gift to a family member and know that the gift will be appreciated, give the gift of listening.